Half a month more and we could call it a year.
What is wrong with me. Even the fact that I just acknowledged that sentence is not helping. Fact is maybe, I don’t want to get over it. Maybe that’s how some rebounds came about. Not simply because they wanted a substitute or that they wanted to show how quickly they were over it on the surface. Maybe it’s to help them tide over on a deeper level. Because in a sense there would still be someone to hug you, kiss you, hold you. Let you seek comfort in physicality, even if that someone wasn’t whom you thought would be there for you at that time.
But that’s just selfish.
So selfish that sometimes i wished it would be worth it for that temporary respite in someone else’s arms, for that next round of inevitable hurt and pain. This time, you drag someone down with you too.
To see him finally with someone else. I was just waiting for this moment. Always wondering how I’d feel when i found out. I guess it’s true “There’s a 96% chance at this very moment you are waiting for something that will never happen.”
Imagining impossible scenarios.
Well brain, your heart would like to tell you that it feels like a vice clamped around it. Like that boa that resembled a hat, squeezing it’s last meal before swallowing it whole.
Not as bad as it was at the beginning but it was a reminder.
I want to forget. I want to let go. I want to be not bothered. I want to be free.
But I’m not letting myself. Does that make sense? No. Is that logical? No. Am i sadistic in that sense? Maybe.
I’m getting nowhere. If i could cry and feel better i gladly would unleash a litre of tears. But i wish i could. It would make things feel so much easier to bear. I don’t want to keep it all.
I know it would have never worked out eventually anyway. Somewhere not so deep down. Somehow we will always wonder..
And for all your flaws, it was you. And i’d admit, all the time i wished i could let go just based on flaws. No matter what people told me. I guess i didn’t.
John once told me, “You know, I think you’re the type of person that slowly falls for that person.”
Oh man I miss you John. Why did you have to enlist.. Sorry John’s girlfriend. You have an amazing boyfriend who gives great advice plus a listening ear haha. You two are super lucky to have found each other. Be strong through this two years kay!
Finally ran out of steam to continue.
Back to life. I guess.
Do we wait for it? Or do we find it? Or do we meet halfway somewhere along that journey?